it's 10:04 and no inspiration

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So here is my random BS.

I have a new job. I am completely off center all day long. Trying to LEARN stuff. People please, I am married to a teacher, he is always trying to TEACH me stuff. I have a hard time walking around with one ear plugged so the shit doesn't fall out.

I have forty fans, and three that interact. (Raynard's name is noticeably absent from that list.) Come on people. You have to talk to me so I know whether or not to go back to scrubbing dishes and needle point for fun. Apparently there is still a spot next to Cal at the quilting bee.

Parent teacher conferences are this week. PTC are like being drawn and quartered to me. Squints is 16 years old and every year I get to go listen to people tell me about my son. Thanks, we've met.

I know that he is bright, has a cunning wit, does not fit in well with his average peers and typically does not do his homework. Can I just have the cookie and skip the lecture? Trust me, at this point if I BELIEVED there was anything I could do that would make a difference I would do it. And I am NOT blaming the teachers either.

Since 1st grade we have been bribing, denying, encouraging every academic behaviour we could think of; depending on what day of the week it was and depending on what the school thought we should be doing. At this point I am ready to let him fail. There is certainly as lesson to be learned in that right?

An invisible line in the doorway.

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A hundred years ago when Raynard and I first bought this house it came equipped pets. That was one of my favorite parts of our new little starter home, also the unfinished basement. (In all reality the basement was "finished." It was nicely finished circa 1973 brown paneling and orange shag carpet.)

It was a struggle to get Raynard to invest in a home. He is intrepedacious; I am balls to the wall all the time. I will ponder the facts and consequences later. But what we didn't realize at the time we were signing those mortgage papers, we had critters at home waiting for us.

And you may not have been able to tell from my other blogs, but I am in fact an animal lover. I do adore them. But I get an animal and think about the consequences later. Plus, they always seems to adore me too, in a completely unnatural way; unhinges me. I have almost convinced myself Ginger Louise is Chuck reincarnate, and that is why she freaks when I come home and won't let anyone hug me.... but I will pay a therapist for that conversation.

So, our first weekend in our new home, we snuggled up on the sun porch; it had great windows. (I say that in past tense, as we ripped that room off our house to expand the kitchen. Trust me the kitchen was worth it. The sun room had NO HEAT, and little sun, faced the North side of the house.) As we sat snuggled under blankets sipping our morning coffee enjoying our first home, two squirrels came to the back window and peered in.

Raynard and I thought that was adorable!! So we put nuts out the back door and watched them scurry away. We were so fascinated! Guess what, the squirrels came back. We got the kids and laughed and watched this go on for hours. I bet that first day we put a pound of nuts on the back porch.

By the end of the week, if nuts weren't out by 7 am, the squirrels knocked on the windows. We named one Zena and one Mr. Tumnus (from The Lion, the Witch and the Waredrobe). But only Mr. Tumnus came to visit. Looking back it was probably not always Mr. Tumnus, but squirrels are hard to tell apart. That theory makes more sense especially considering come spring Mr. Tumnus had babies.

Those squirrels kind of took over our lives. Somehow I became the crazy squirrel lady. I came home from work one night and there was a bag of nuts on my front deck, with a note that said, old nuts from the soup kitchen. That is when I realized even my neighbors were watching me?

In the summertime when I was gardening the squirrels would come right up to me. I had a gardening apron that I kept nuts in, and they were bold squirrels. They would come right up to me and pull out the pockets to look in. We looked so forward to our daily squirrel visits, even if we were running late in the mornings if we came out and the squirrels were waiting we would run back in and get their nuts.

UNTIL, one bright sunny day, I was home alone and went to get more nuts for the squirrel and he followed me into the house. Not any farther than the threshold just over the doorway but we both stopped and looked at each other. We knew a line had been crossed. I knew I was not brave enough to touch him and force him out if he went any further and you could tell Mr. Tumnus was terrified of this new territory he ventured into. That encounter altered our relationship forever. I don't have squirrels waiting for me in the mornings anymore... but I do smile when they play in the yard.

Another politically incorrect blog....

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So, just came back from my two miles where I got 35 minutes to myself with my ipod. I never get that unless I am cleaning a bathroom. (Like I said, I never get that.)

Raynard bought me new workout sweats this morning (complete with body armor), as my internal thermostat is ALL messed up. So, I was trucking along at a pretty good clip thinking how far I have come in the last two years. I actually let my mind wander to a positive place where I was feeling pretty good about myself; WHEN out the corner of my eye I saw my shadow next to me.

You know when you are having a really good day and someone comes in and asks, "Are you not feeling well today?" Yeah, it was that moment. I literally saw my butt jiggle in my shadow, and you know there is not a lot of detail to a shadow, until today.

It was not the reinventing of myself I was hoping for. I have said for the past 10 years if I had an Indian name it would be Sagging Ass..... well, Shops with Fist was already taken. Bright side, I did make a small child cry in the warehouse store.

you wouldn't believe the week I've had

Image by ❀ℓєтιzια❀ via Flickr

I have been both dumped and left. Cal dumped me for quilting. Cal disagrees with this as she says I was invited to join in, but the reality of it is she would rather play old lady games than hang out with me and George Wendt.

Then, Raynard left me; to kill things. He says he is coming back but I up'd his life insurance before he left with guns and ammo for the weekend anyway.

I got to meet my NEW boss' boss. She liked me, then one of my new co-workers alerted her to the blog. I don't think she believes me to be a rockstar anymore. Especially when I got to the part where I am marrying my bff from high school in a fake lesbian wedding come spring. Yeah, you could see the wheels in her head spinning.... what in the world have we brought into this organization.

It has been a depressing enough week I haven't written. That is not true, I have not published this week. I keep going on these random tangets that are incredibly funny to me, but I fear not for the rest of you. People chime in all the time with the blog doesn't have to be funny all the time. And that could be true but America's Funniest Home Videos ain't funny either, and guess what, I don't watch.

Good news... the New Moon movie comes out 11-20 so maybe with new thoughts of Rob Pattinson floating in my head I will be funny again.

Bad news.... my dog is still alive.

Sadie is so hoping...

Image by Gattou/Lucie via Flickr

that the wine inspiration strikes soon, and I have something stellar and funny to say.

reptiles are foregoing the blog

to spend time with Raynard.... we will see if it was worth it tomorrow.

I just got dumped.

Image by permanently scatterbrained via Flickr

And it came from out of nowhere. I guess there was a part of me that was expecting it. I ALWAYS expect it. But inevitably, am having a hard time dealing with the splat.

Cal has decided that she would rather quilt than hang out and do girl stuff. I bought a purse and the damn girlie shoes... I have been trying! Oh, and my behavior was bad Saturday night and she was there for my performance. Cal was one of my Trick or Drinkers Saturday, and I had to be put to bed early.

The bonus, she got to stay up with my husband, who she has called dibs on. We had discussed earlier the possiblity of her showing her girls to my boy. See if he would be inspired by new boobs, she didn't test theory. The only real question I have left is if she dumps me does she still have first right of refusal on him?